Mosquitoes and gnats. Need I say more?


It seems these creatures came out of nowhere the other day and don’t plan on leaving anytime soon. They bite. They swarm. They dive bomb your ears and eyes. And the worst part is, they seem to be immune to any amount of bug spray you can get your hands on. Being that part of my job involves standing in a cloud of gnats and mosquitoes for hours on end, I decided to do a little research on these astronomically annoying little things.


First off, mosquitoes like Type O blood more than any other. For some reason Type O is much sweeter than other blood types. According to Smithsonian Magazine, about 85 percent of people emit a chemical signal that indicates their blood type, and these people are more prone to bites regardless of their blood type. Also, the myth of gnats and mosquitoes targeting taller people is true apparently, due to the amount of carbon dioxide you emit. Gnats and some mosquitoes are also attracted to moisture, which is why they usually go for your ears, eyes, mouth, etc.


Is it sad that there are more mosquitoes and gnats here than there were in the Amazon Rainforest? Although I don’t have Type O blood, I feel as though I am a walking gnat and mosquito magnet. Even people around me at baseball games have noticed that I constantly have a cloud of these things circling my head and following me wherever I go. What gives mosquitoes? Have I killed too many of your cousins over the years and now you’re getting revenge? Or is it my Old Spice body wash with a scent that’s even too strong for my own good that attracts you?


It’s time for immediate action. Either I am going to start taking baths in 100% deet, or I’m going to go medieval on these things and walk around wearing a full metal armor suit. One thing is for sure: if you don’t see me around town I’ve most likely been eaten alive from the DDD.