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The Sleepy Eye Herald Dispatch
  • Ode to my vehicle

  • Dear Vehicle, We need to talk.You seem to be having a lot of problems lately. Every time I turn around you have another ailment. Is there something bothering you that you would like to discuss with me?
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  • Dear Vehicle,
    We need to talk.
    You seem to be having a lot of problems lately. Every time I turn around you have another ailment. Is there something bothering you that you would like to discuss with me?
    I just wanted to put you on notice. There will be some changes taking place in the near future.
    For starters, you are no longer going to get your regular baths, because the wear and tear on your exterior is starting to show. A little dirt fills in your bumps and bruises you have received from being a big bully and backing into things you couldn’t see or side swiping parked cars by trying to squeeze into parking spots that were way too small for your hulking size.
    But don’t think you can continue to do as you please. If you continue to make demands on my pocketbook I may have to consider trading you in.
    What am I talking about?
    How about when you don’t immediately shift into gear like you should? It is beginning to get annoying. I’m not going to go out and get you a new transmission so you should stop with the funny stuff.
    I know the nail in your tire wasn’t entirely your fault, but you need to be more careful and watch where you are driving.
    I wasn’t exactly prepared financially for a tire transplant. We made it through some tough times, but I want to remind you that money doesn’t grow on trees.
    You still look good for your age, but I caution you to remember that you have over 100,000 miles on you. Your parts are not what they used to be. We all start to have a few aches and pains and things stop working exactly like they used to when we get older. I just want to remind you that your days in the fast lane are coming to an end.
    I’ve been good to you, haven’t I? I’ve had your oil and filter changed every 3,000 miles and all your fluids checked. I’ve given you everything you’ve asked for.
    In return, I thank you for your loyalty in having no major mechanical problems or nervous breakdowns during our long trips together.
    We’ve been through a lot of fun times together, haven’t we? Remember that time last winter when we went over a slick spot and you kicked up your heels and turned us sideways in the middle of the road with oncoming traffic?
    Page 2 of 2 - That was a little scary; so if next winter is slippery and we are still together, please try to control yourself.
    I actually thought you were trying to kill me on purpose and I considered trading you in that day.
    However, I did manage to buff out the scratches to your passenger side mirror that you got from swaggering too far to one side of the garage. I’m not going to tell your father about that incident.
    While we’ve been through a lot together, these types of shenanigans have earned you a spot on probation.
    Please, take care of yourself and slow down.
    You have the potential to have a lot more miles before it’s time to retire, but I will no longer tolerate your bad behavior, pranks, aliments or demands for money.
    I’ll be honest; I’ve had wandering eyes recently. I have a small infatuation with another vehicle–a different make and model.
    Before you jump to conclusions and plan retribution, let me just say that I’m only considering all my options. After all, I have to take care of myself because no one is going to do it for me.
    Please don’t be angry and blow a gasket. There is a season for everything. I’m going to take some time and carefully consider whether we should stay together.
    But if in the near future we do part ways, I wish you the best of luck. You were loyal and faithful in getting me to my destinations for all these years and I’ll be forever indebted.
    Sincerely,
    Your Owner

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