This month I enjoyed a very rare visit from my sister-in-law from England and her two adorable children. It helped me to pause and consider some of the things that are my hang-ups when it comes to parenting. I am, what some would call, "high strung". If something bad could happen to you, it will, therefore I will be stressed and not enjoy the moments in life that are good. I try to plan for everything, ridiculously so. As the visit started out, I recognized immediately how frenzied I was over my children.
I clucked over them.
My girls are lovely and sweet and well-mannered (as well as kids can be) and they are fun girls. But they are none of those things when I cluck, and I realized how much I clucked when I watched my SIL enjoy moments. I would lie in bed at the end of the day and realize I could recall fun things we did during the day, but in the moment I wasn't enjoying them. WHAT A WASTE!
So, I internalized why I do this? What causes me to be this way? I went searching for answers but it came to me quietly and simply and out of my own mouth when talking to my girls.
"Who are you in control of?" I said one day to an out-of-control child.
"Myself" they answered.
"If you are grumpy or fearful, whose choice is that?"
OH.MY.WORD. I am fearful because I CHOOSE TO BE FEARFUL. I don't enjoy moments because I CHOOSE TO BE FEARFUL. My choice determines my attitude, which in turn determines if we are enjoying ourselves.
I love my line of work. I love being home with my kids. I do not love being fearful and from this day one will choose not to fear, but to just enjoy the moments. They are fleeting. My chicks are growing up.