I wish I had more nerve!

I wish I had more nerve!

I remember when those classes called Assertiveness Training were popular; I wanted to sign up, but I didn’t have the nerve. I could have been an extra character in the Wizard of Oz, right next to the cowardly lion; a big yellow, fluffy chicken skipping off down the Yellow Brick Road to see the wizard to get nerve.

I secretly would like to be outspoken. I’d love not to care about the consequences of going up to some loud-mouthed cell phone user in the airport and saying, “Sir, please lower your voice, I’m sitting in the next gate and I don’t care what kind of bowel movement you had this morning and I’m really wondering if the guy on the other end of your conversation wants to know either!”

I love wild animals and living out in the woods as I do, is a great place to be with them. However there is this one family of deer that routinely plan and scheme their raids on my gardens.

If I had the nerve, I would advertise in Guns R Us, “Hunter’s Paradise! Get your kill in minutes. Food and lodging included.”

I’d guarantee a kill, because I know just how to get right up to those fuzzy, adorable flower murderers.

I’d grow about ten roses in ten different pots and keep them on the deck (where the deer can only see and smell them) until hunting season when I’d put them out in my yard in a circle and instruct the hunters to wear hats I’d made covered in roses (like Aunt Bea’s church hat) and go sit in the circle.

I probably won’t get up the nerve to build the deer blind, but this summer I am going to go skinny dipping in the Lewis River. (I said I was going to do that last year, but I lost my nerve.)

I know a place that unless some guy comes by in a boat, no one will see me. I’m also going to eat just the center of a watermelon and although I won’t throw out the seed part I won’t deal with it until the next day.

And I think I’m going to make up some business cards that say, “Please use your quiet voice while you’re in public. Thank you!” Oh, and since it’s April, I’ll just bet I lose my nerve by next hunting season, so I think I’ll start making a chicken costume in case I get a chance to take a hike on that Yellow Brick Road.

Publisher Jenny Boettger’s column will return next week.