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The Sleepy Eye Herald Dispatch - Sleepy Eye, MN
  • Warts are for toads

  • We’ve all had the images in our heads of old women with warts on their noses.

    That’s not me...yet.


     


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  • We’ve all had the images in our heads of old women with warts on their noses.
    That’s not me...yet.
    I developed a planters wart on my foot around the time I?started writing for the Progress edition.
    Medical people say that warts are caused by a virus and stress. Folklore says they are caused by toads and curses.
    I think mine is a combination of both. Writing for the Progress edition was stressful, and at times, seemed like a curse.
    When I first felt my pinky toe burning in my favorite pair of shoes, I?couldn’t figure out why the shoes I?had worn for the past six months were giving me a blister.
    After a trek around the Mall of America one weekend my pinky toe began to scream at me. I whipped off my sock to put an end to this blasted blister.
    But instead of a blister I?found a calloused, mushroom shaped, thing on my toe. I stuck my foot in Chris’s face.
    “Look at this!”?I?exclaimed.
    With a wrinkled nose he pushed my foot aside.
    “No thank you!”?he said. “And when was the last time you had your socks off? Your feet stink!”
    I had to think about that.
    I?don’t like my feet bare. Even when I?go to bed I?have to have my feet swathed in socks and tucked into the blankets.
    I figured Chris should thank me. My ice cold feet in the winter never have to find a crook in his leg to be warmed.
    Besides the unfortunate curse of getting a wart in the first place, it sprouted shortly before I was going to go on my cruise in February. At a time when I would bare my feet in sandals or walk on beaches barefoot.
    When I realized what it was I?asked around for any fast, home eradication procedures.
    There are all kinds of folk remedies from apple cider to duct tape. I’m not sure if you put the cider on the wart or drink it, but either way it sounded better than letting the thing come with to Mexico.
    I was told to try Vicks Vapor rub, apparently it works for almost any aliment. Another remedy, I was told, is to rub a penny on it.
    Are you kidding me? I used to work in a bank! I know what kind of bacteria and viruses live on money. I don’t want my wart inviting friends along for the ride, I want it gone!
    Eventually I went to the drug store and bought Dr. Scholl’s wart-be-gone  salicylic acid disks. The directions said with one 48-hour treatment my wart would be gone. It had me wondering why they included eight disks in the package if all I?needed was one treatment.
    Page 2 of 2 - That didn’t strike me as a guarantee and I had as little faith as the company who sold me eight disks for one treatment.
    I tried the first disk and it slid off my wart when I?put my socks and shoes on. Instead of treating the wart, the acid burned a hole in my skin just below the stupid wart.
    This past saturday when it was 80 degrees in mid-March and far too warm to be wearing socks, I took them off and my wart sneered at me.
    “That’s it!”?I?shouted. “If the medicine doesn’t work I’m digging you out!”?I?told it with menace.
    Then I shoved my foot in Chris’s face again.
    “Look at this! It won’t go away! I’m sick of it!”?I whined to him.
    “For god’s sake, woman. Take your socks off and let your feet breath,”?he told me. “A little fresh air on those things wouldn’t hurt.”?
    I took his advice and since Saturday I have remained sockless. My wart is no longer bothersome, but I?can’t sleep. My feet need the comfort of being swaddled in socks. The back of Chris’ hairy knee doesn’t offer the same comfort.
    If I?can’t get rid of this hitchhiker soon, the next thing you know I’ll be boiling moss from the northwest side of a tree and rubbing turpentine on it.
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